Hey There My Friend, Its Been Awhile..

Currently Listening: The Only Exception- Paramoree

con⋅fu⋅sion

  [kuhn-fyoo-zhuhn]-a mental state characterized by a lack of clear and orderly thought and behavior

Today was a good day. school was..well..school. it just still amazes me you do everything you can to not talk to me. its like he refuses..somedays he wont even look at me. i feel like we dont even know eachother. its getting worse as the days go on. when were all standing in a circle, he will either say he has to go or walk all the way to the other side. its only awkward, if you make it awkward. i know its not just me thats noticing it because lauren, kristina, hallie and i talk about it. good thing i know im not loosing my mindd..i just keep thinking back to that one time at laurens. we were sitting on the side of the house the whole time. of course i would have loved to be with everyone but staying with him the whole time was okay too. we didnt really talk about much but it was still perfect. we talked as friends and everything was good. that night was the night he told me he still liked me. he didnt just say it though. he showed me a song by escape the fate called harder than you know. i wont ever forget that song. he said it explained exactly how he felt. when i heard that, i just wanted to melt haaaaaa. i was so happy we both felt the same way. probably the only time that ever happend and ever will happen. looking back on this song it made me think. the first line is "baby, dont talk to me, im trying to let go." is that why hes not talking to me? hes trying to let go? idk maybe im just crazy. at least im trying to look on the positive side for once.. i know most of the time i say i hate him and i never want to see his "gross" face ever again..we all know thats not really true. idk its just something inside me keeps hanging on. its weird though. when hes not around i miss him but when he is i feel like theres always something hes doing. like at the football game? remember that story? ohfun. i guess its hard to explain. nobody gets my relationship with that kidd. its just im not sure if i miss him as a friend to talk to or more? ohwell. one thing that will get me through the rest of the week is knowing relient k is in 3 days and ftsk is in 40 days..!! <3

p.s for some reason i still have that giraffe. i cant bring myself to throw it out or burn it..

" When I was younger,I saw my daddy cry,And curse at the wind,He broke his own heart,And I watched,As he tried to reassemble it,And my momma swore that,She would never let herself forget,And that was the day that I promised,I'd never sing of love,If it does not exist,But darlin',You are the only exception.."

-Paramoree!

^41 DAYS!!

Currently Listening: Turn It Off (Acoustic)-Paramoree
i think this has been the longest i havent written. alot of shit has been going on these past weeks. he's still not talking to me and whatever im sick of his shit. although, i will probs write about him tomorrow...whatever. relient k in 4 days wiff mah best friend and ftsk in 41 days wiff other best friend (: ah! i have alot of tests friday which sucks but i have to do good on them. like math? wtf. i wasnt there for 2 days and he still gets fustrated when i dont know how to do it. it seems like everyone is getting fustrated wiff me lately. idk. it could just be mee.. and my best friend has seemed upset. not upset but something on her mind thats bringing her down. shes one of the few people i hate seeing upset. hahaha. still debating if i should give up my camera! idr if i wrote about it but i got mah nikon d40! waited 3 years? i think so.. oh well. todays fathers bday so i should go downstairs and get ready for him to come homeee. baii!

p.s i dont think you know how much i need you here..

" I scraped my knees when I was praying

And found a demon in my safest haven, seems like
It's getting harder to believe in anything"

-Paramore..<3!>

Its Not A Dream Anymore, Its Worth Fighting For..

Stolen from kristinaa! ^

Currently Litening: Looking Up- PARAMORE!
im not sure how i would explain how today went. good and bad. everything was good until math. i dont know what were doing. no idea actually. i was supposted to go to math extra help but he wasnt there. then he calls my house after school and says i wasnt there? alright, you do that. another bad thing that happend was after school. my best friend tried on this dress. and it was hard to get on just because of her lovely ass and big boobs haha. when we were getting off my other best friends mom came in and said we shouldnt be trying on clothes if we know there not going to fit..something along those lines. now, im not taking sides or whatever you want to call it, but i know if someone said that to me i would be hurt also. i know she was very upset about it. i felt so bad. but the worse thing is she's not fat! it kills me to think she thinks that about herself. i know i shouldnt be talking but its not true. i wish she could see what i see and pretty much everyone else see's, but i guess i cant really talk. well now i have 1,000 quizzes to make up and i have an english quiz on beowulf? cool! i wasnt there for 2 days and i have to still take it. am i ready to fail? YES PLEASE!

tomorrow should be amazing. well, lets hope so. if mr. tunick doesnt freak then it will be good. we have 25 minute periods and a pep rally at the end of the day! ~amazinggg~ then after school, kristina and lauren are coming over to get ready for the dance..i hope the "dress that doesnt suit me well" looks good.. alright. going to study, BAII!

P.S. make up your mind, because your driving me insane..

"Things are looking up, oh finally!,I thought I'd never see the day when you smile at me.We always pull through

oh when we try,I'm always wrong but you're never right.You're never right!"

-PARAMORE<3333

Maybe We'll Find Better Days..?

Currently Listening: Better Days- The Goo Goo Dolls!

faith

  [feyth]-Noun: loyalty or allegiance to a cause or a person

this weekend was so good! saturday, i went to laurens and we hung-out then we were on our way to Michael's, but we decided to stop by my house. i walked in and saw kristina, sean, hallie and my mom. they're were decorations up and i was like "WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE.." even thought nobody knew we were on our way, it was the nicest thing ever. the last surprise party i had was good to but im not friends with most of those people anymore. of course i wish i was but thats a different story, for a different time. sunday, i went to my family party and that was so much fun. although, me and my cousin were upstairs most of the time it was fun. we actually studied the enlightenment together...LMAO. we would...anyways, now im supposed to be in school but i stayed up till 3 last night because i couldn't sleep. my mom and dad left for work so its up to my sister to drive me to school in time for my global test. never leave anything up to her. haha i love her but shes still sleeping at its 9:45 i have to be in school by 10:30...thats not going to happen. OH WELL. better for me. TOMORROWS MY BIRTHDAY! pretty stoked? you can say that. ever since i turned 13 my birthdays have just ben bbbllleeehh. like sometimes i dont even want them to come? its weird. alright, im rambling so im going to go, but before i do... i have a question. what is your problem? you can be nice without being flirty. dont fucking flirt with me and tease me like that, then not talk to me all weekend. i will be shocked if you actually said happy birthday to me tomorrow. alright now im done. BYE!

"i wanted a perfect ending, now i've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best f it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

The Goo Goo Dolls.

And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need some place simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's ten million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

^ we dont study well together...lolol I LOVE HER!

Currently Listening: hallelujah- paramore!

yesterday was a good day. even though i had 4 quizzes it was still pretty good. i got a 100 on my global quiz, 90 on my math quiz and i dont know about chem and spanish. then after school i went to laurens because i didn't feel like taking my own bus. then before her and her dad went out they dropped me off home. i slept for like 3-4 hours and then i had to go to kristens. she had everyone there. lauren, dan, sean, dom, kristen, mike, ralph, ralph, tom...i feel like im missing someone. OH WELL. but the one thing that was a little upsetting, is when my friend said "me and ________ think your anexoric. now, anexoric is when you refuse to eat anything for about a week and TRY to starve yourself. i dont think i could ever do that. im italian..italians love food. hahaa. just because i didn't eat for the day doesnt mean im anexoric. i really just wasn't hungry. i felt like anything i ate, i was going to throw-up. and i didn't really want that happening. well, today i ate so she doesn't have to worry about me. today, i think im going to get all of my homework done and then lauren might come over. tomorrow i have my family party! :D its weird how my birthdays in 3 days...it feels like it, but it doesnt? idek.

okay byee!

"this time were not giving up, lets make it last forever, screaming hallelujah, well make it last forever."

- Paramore<3

I CANT WAIT FOR WINTER.

Anyways, today was a great day...except after school. i know that sounds weird but whatever. i did my summer reading today and i dont think i did that bad. i could have spoke louder but whatever i was nervous. i even liked what i was wearing today. but after school was horrific. i went to the stupid football game and it was retarded. i dont even know why i went. like i could have used that time for something better then that. of course we saw him there because hes in marching band. he acted like i wasn't even there. i felt like i blended in with the bleachers and i couldn't be seen. he introduced all of these new people to lauren and didnt say one word about me. the only thing he said ONCE was oh and this girl she doesnt matter. shes stupid anyway. like i know he was kidding but did he even know that, that hurt me? i guess not. i dont want to hear your excuses how " you dont want to lead me on" or " i want to be friends but i dont want to be flirty, im sorry." because i really dont think sorry is going to cut it anymore. ive heard your apologies too many times. ive ignored it and i even tried talking to you about it. i do want to be friends but i know that i dont treat my friends like that. he also put me in a very awkward situation. i tried ignoring it but i just couldn't. yaknow what hurt also? leading me on and telling me that he might want to get back together and then just going, NEVERMIND. i dont think i could ever live with myself if i did that. but i dont care anymore. the past is the past. i guess im going to have to get over it. i just wish i could give him a taste of his own medicine. well...other then that, i have 4 quizzes tomorrow that i didnt really study for. i mean i studied for spanish alot and math. i think i should go study math and chem. alright bye.

p.s have you ever listened to a song, and it hit you so hard, you felt like crying? i have.

"theres really no way to reach me, theres really no way to reach me, theres really no way to reach me, because im aaaallllrrrreeeaaadddyyy gggooonneee."

- The Fray <3!>

currently listening: entertain the pain-My Favorite Highway!

today was a meh day. ive been actually having alot of those. my school picture sucked! but at least i didnt have to read aloud my summer reading! well i have to tomorrow so whatever. i started writing in my journal again. but i started a new one. my other one was full. i legit wrote everything in there. well, idr have much to say so baii!

"I spent a long time without you,I'm still doing everything I can just to not think about you,Not that I doubt you, if I found you,Would I let my thoughts surround you,I feel just a little bit stronger,I'll wait just a little bit longer,But I'm doing just fine without you, babe"

- My Favorite Highway.

i really dont know what to say.

wise up kids, words of advice from someone who knows: never get your hopes up, someone will just come along and stomp all over them. never wait for anyone else. do what you have to do, when you choose.

Currently Listening: I Must Be Dreaming (Acoustic)- The Maine!

why the hell arent i writing alot anymore? i guess nothing really is bothering me. i cant believe im saying that, but its true. friday was such a good day. i mean i really thought it was going to be bad. i went to laurens after school with kristina and we walked home in the pouring rain. it was insane. we all couldn't stop laughing. i felt like i just jumped in the pool. haha i love themm. then after that we put on pajamas and decided we wanted to go to chilis? so we got dressed in our wet clothes hahah and went. we had the most adorable waiter hahaha. even though he thought we were nuts and i was anorexic hahahaa. im just glad all 3 of us could hangout and not have any drama. my best friend is happy?! YAY. im happy just to see her happy. its time for her to be happy for once and everyone else to enjoy it. everyone deserves to be happy. one thing i have learned this week: "lifes to short to be anything but happy. put a smile on your face and enjoy what you have, while you have it"

there are so many words to explain the day i had today. first day of school? pretty sucky. not gonna lie. i am surrounded my whores all over. its just awesome...not. nobody in gym is also amaazing too.. at least i found melina in my lunch period! anyways, i actually have a map quiz tomorrow in global...WTF. i should go study or actually start 1984...bye. oh and why paramore? because they ive been inspired again....oh no..

"thats what you get when you let your heart win."

yesterday was fun. went to woodpark with dan, tom, hallie. then we met up with lauren and ralph. i said yes to you yesterday. at 2 am i realized i think we rushed into it. we did that once and i dont want that happening again. of course i feel the same way, i dont think my feelings will ever change. i just want to be settled into school first. i know that sounds like an excuse but thats not it at all. alot of people are telling me "well, if he really liked you, he wouldn't be saying theres a chance you wont get back together if you wait longer." i guess thats true. but isint that what im doing? im waiting. i am waiting for a different reason though.. whatever. so i texted him saying we should wait. i think ever since i send that text message everything went downhill. if we wait, i feel like he will get over me and be like oh well, i found someone else. BYE. but if we dont wait i feel like i would have regretted it. and i dont want that to happen, because i want to go out. just not yet? idrfk. my feelings have been all over the place lately. my birthdays in like 12 days. cool. i dont really even want my birthdaay to come. is that weird? whatever. laurens coming now and were going to get ready for school tomorrow...?! awesome! i have fucking school tomorrow. another thing i get to be stressed about. FTW..bye.

"There goes my ring,It might as well have been shattered,And I'm here to sing,About the things that mattered,About the things that made us feel alive for oh so long,About the things that kept you on my side when I was wrong"

-Secondhand Serenade!

today was somewhat fun. i picked up kristina and we went to the highschool. sooner or later, we found out the school was closed. so she came back to my house and we picked out pictures to put in our lockers. then i played sudoku while she made her bracelet haha. now, dan, tom, hallie and kristina are going to come over. other people i think are coming later but idrfk. i feel like im always the one that has to make the plans. and when i try to everyone fucks them up. whatever. imma go.. write about it later..bye.

i want to see all time low again. i miss them. those guys are so funny. i have been listening to them all morning. anyways, today kristina was supposted to come over and we were supposted to go to the school. but now, im sitting home looking up all time low videos and making braclets. haha. my sister is supposted to be coming over for dinner with her "friend" jay but im not sher what time. after dinner, me and kristina are going to laurens house! yaay. well, i think ive decided im going to start dressing the way i want not my mom, not my friends me. i was thinking "well maybe if i dress like this my mom wont get as mad at me anymore." well, fuck that. i dont care. im going to dress the way I want because that will make me happy. i guess it just hit me but i have my best friend to thank. she helped me realize i should stop trying to make everyone else happy and do what i want for myself. thank you bby<3!

"She lays her halo on the pillow as she sleeps,Her heart beats red wine,My toxic valentine,Lays her halo on the pillow that used to be mine"

-All Time Low<3!>

today was an amazing day! i hung out with hallie all day and then everyone went to ralphs except lauren and kristina :(. i had alot of fun, suprisingly haha. well, theres not much to say except this summer seems to be ending pretty well. i just hope school doesnt ruin my good moods all the time. hopefully it wont.. i seriously dont even care if i have nobody in my classes. i just want to get to class on time and sit all the way in the corner. haha i just want someone in gym and lunch and make it to classes on time. then i will be fine hahaah. im sucha weirdoo...anyways, i think i learned something. im always complaining about how gross i am, but this picture makes sence. i just dont know when someone asked me who you are, not like my name but i dont know how to describe mysef. idk maybe im just crazy. well, i should go. tomorrow me and kristina are going to the high school tomorrow to go around and find out classes. hopefully there open and maybe i can also talk to my councler if shes in. my schedule needs to be changed. badly. aright baii<3!

"a person is not old until regrets take the place of dreams"

yesterday was good. dan, dom, tom, matt, jake, ryan, sean, kristen, hallie, lauren and i went to laurens house. pretty fun times. it just sucked kristina couldnt be there. she might not know it but i did care she wasnt there. i was the one talking to her last night. i could have ignored her like almost everyone else did. i could have ignored the fact that she wasnt there. but i didnt. because i did care that she wasnt there. but it wasnt my fault. i mean i guess somewhat it was because i didnt tell her what my mom said. i mean she said she couldnt anyways because she had work today but i still should have told her. i mean i know exactly how it feels to be left out when everyones there. it happend to me at kristens! all of the girls were at her house but me? so i know what she means. anyways, other then that it was good to know how YOU felt. i mean i thought i would never find out but im glad i do know. i hope this works out though. anyways, today im with hallie and hopefully lauren and kristina soon. then we all might go to ralphs tonight but im not sher whats going on with that. and this time NONE of the girls are going to be left out. this i have to make sher of. byee! (:

p.s i learned not to tell people how your feeling all the time.

"You said this could only get better.There's no rush, 'cause we have each other.You said this would last forever,But now i doubt if i was your only lover."

-Escape The Fate!

Currently Listening~ Why Im Home-Go Radio

today is a sucky day so far. woke up at like 8 to get ready for orientation. there are going to be so many stupid freshmen coming into school. what sucks is my classes are all over the place. i dont know how im going to get to them in 5 minutes. anyways, i dont really know whats going on today but i think lauren or hallie are sleeping here...or both? idrk. i washed my hair! haha its actually pretty straight till i scrunched it. its meh. i like it straight. whatever, i dont have much on my mind today except my mom is deciding to be a bitch today. alright bye.

p.s I MISS MY BEST FRIEND

"Now it's time to leave the lights,And hope that the future is just as bright,Please think of me back home,I'm so, I'm so close"

you're the reason why I'm home

i haven't written in 2 days...ew. haha anyways yesterday was a good day. i went to hallies with lauren. we went to cedar park and took lots of pictures haha. then i drove tee tee home. i wish she didnt have to go. i wish we didnt have to leave her home. she really wanted me to sleep there and i wanted to but i didnt because i needed the hours. i dont know what happened to me as we were pulling out the drive way but something triggered me to cry. my mom has seen me cry about once or twice. even she said she never sees me cry. i dont want to loose tee tee. everytime she says her life is over it hurts to hear her say that. i might not be with her everyday and when she is over i might not be home all the time but i do love her and her company. anyway, enough about tee tee. today we went to gurwin and it was our last day. im going to miss that place as much as i hated waking up in the morning, it was nice there. im still going to go on sundays though which is always good. school starts in 9 days..im scared when i see him im going to like breakdown. every time some serene love song comes on i think of him, but i dont even know why. i dont know if i miss him, or the things he said. but he moved on. so i dont know why its taking me so long to do the same. but i just wish everything could go back to the old days. where everyone was invited everywhere and we only had stupid drama where someone said her shirt was ugly, they would fight for a day and be fine the next day. but that wont happen. people move on and find diffrent friends. they find they arent similar and walk away. im not that girl. i want one or two people i can hangout with everyday and then with everyone else. i dont like people being left out either. getting off topic again, i read kristinas blog. damn that girl makes me think to much ahah. but she was talking about how people think of her diffrently but she doesnt care. sometimes i do care. i dont want people to think im a bitch but they can think what they want. i just wish i knew who i was like she pretty much does. some days i do, but somedays i dont. some people even know what they want to go to college for. i dont. i wish i did. i thought i knew, but i most likely wont be happy doing that. i want to do something i love. but my lack of courage is slowing me down. i would LOVE to do spotlight and maddness in our school, but its not looking good for me. well i left hallie downstairs so i should go. bai.

p.s happy birthday. i wish we could be good friends again. 11:11.

...schools in 8 days...fuck.

"you fight with the ones that are closest to your heart."

- Joan Abbate<3>