im not sure why i haven't written in like 2 days. this week ive been kinda busy and had so much on my mind. old friends are starting to come to mind, old relationships. i dont know. well anyways, wednesday me lauren and devin went to laurens house. we didn't hangout that long but it was still fun. we walked to valmont and then back. kinda boring actually, but fun at the same time? im not sher how to explain it haha. well then thursday, i woke up and made atl and the maine dolls haha. it took forever but i think they came out cool. then,i went to my physical doctor thing and then my cousins. at first, she was all like with her friends i guess. it seemed like she didn't want to hangout with me nd i was in the way. but after that it was pretty cool i guess. she has this ADORABLE friend that she really likes and i feel bad. well today "friday" since its 1:29 am, i might go to the mall with lauren and maybe im going to go to the movies with tommy to see harry potter & the half blood prince. that would be my 3rd time hahaha...i need help. aright well i should go hangout with my cousin. bye..

p.s i tried to be a good friend and be there for you but it obviously means nothing to you.. 

"arragont boy, love yourself so no one has to..there better off without you..."

today was not a bad day. i woke up at 8:30 and started getting ready for gurwin. didnt do much there. i went to the adult daycare center and it made me realize something. i have a place to call home. they have a place to call "a nursing home". these people are there because they need assitance with almost everything they do. most of them are watched 24/7. im glad when i need my space from people i can just walk away and go to my room. the people that work there say they give them personal space but they dont. i know they dont. after that, i went home and cleaned my room and watched degrassi. great show. now im going out with my mom to get dinner and then laurens coming here. we might be hanging out with devin later but were not sher yet. then tee tees coming home! i cant wait to see her hha. alrighty, ill write later bye! 

"I wanna live a life from a new perspective,You come along because I love your face,And I'll admire your expensive taste,And who cares divine intervention,I wanna be praised from a new perspective,But leaving now would be a good idea,So catch me up on getting out of here"

- Panic! at the disco. 

today was one of the most boring days all week. i woke up with the worst stomach ache. watched my best friends girl and what happens in vegas. 2 hysterical movies. then i went back to sleep and and woke up around 3. then we went to the at&t store. my phones fucked up. their going to send me a new one in the mail. well, now i might go to the mall with my sister and her friend but im not sure yet. tomorrow, i have gerwin from 10-12 and then im hanging out with lauren and prolly kristina. then maybe at night im seeing devin with them. (: alright, bye. 

p.s i might be using this picture for tomorrow too. 

"enjoy them while their here, because sooner or later they will be gone.

today was alright. we had another day of the garage sale and it was pretty slow. i made $120 altogether. im thinking about getting my hair straightened. i think its worth it. well, today was a better day. didnt think about you that much. i still miss you though. well, i dont have much to say but im glad im talking to my old friend again. ive missed her and i think we can soon be friends again. i mean i hope she feels the same way but who knowss. we bought 4 movies so im going to watch them now. BYE. 

p.s i know what i want to do with my life. 

"the only wrong decision is indecision."

Thank You.

so i don't really want you go to sleep, but if you must go, i just want you to know i don't want you crying over him i know that phrase is so over used, but its not worth it. he would be there comforting you, if you were crying, if he really cared. no matter how mad he was. thats something i learned. just stay happy, but don't fake it. surround urself with only the people who will bring you higher, because lifes too short to fall to the ground alone, and if you are gonna fall to the ground, atleast you'll have the people who will lay there with you, until you're better enough to get up. i guess what im trying to say it, its good to care about someone, but only to the point if they care about you too...<3

-kristina achnitz

you dont know how much that means to me<3>

i dont think my heart and my head can take all of this stress. first you disappear from my life for a while and today is like the first day were talking. not going to lie, i am over you but not completley. you still come up in my brain a few times a day. like i wonder what your doing and if your okay? but i guess i have to stop worrying. and my friends..ohgod. i dont think i have any anymore. i might change names. "katherine" is there for me most of the time but i feel like if i say something wrong she will get mad at me easily. i love her but im scared to say somethings. also, sometimes if i say something to her she will go tell someone else,or talk to someone else about it behind my back. but then sometimes i feel like she can relate to me and understands what im talking about. "katrina" is barely there anymore. i wish she was. its not like i dont want her as a friend but i feel like she doesn't want me as one. alot of people told me that she has many problems with me, but i dont know how you fix problems when we never talk about them. "Leslie", is a good friend...i think. sometimes i feel like i could never tell her anything but i want to. i wish i could. i feel like shes going to tell "katherine" everything. not like i care if she does but when i want her too keep something between me and her i feel like she cant. i wish i could say "shes a good listener" but shes not the greatest at it. most of the time she tries and understands things but doesn't because she never experienced them herself. shes the type of girl that nobody ever hurts because everyone loves her. "hannah" is a good friend too. i feel like i can talk to her without her telling anyone but sometimes i feel like she talks about her so much and shes a little conceited. thats not always a bad thing but i dont like conceited people. i love  her to death but shes not a very good listener. and she can get frustrated easily..very easily but we all have our flaws. "shelly" is a good friend. we dont hangout that much but when we do we have fun together. sometimes i feel like she doesn't want to be around me but i could just be paranoid. im not sure though. who knows. well i know this blog is super long and it took forever to write but its worth it all of this has been on my mind forever and its good to just get it off my chest and write about it. i think ive moved on to "dg2" but im not sure friday was the first time i hung out with him and it wasn't bad..in the end. and even with my future. i was thinking about what i want to do when i get older and im not even sure what that is. i know my dream job will never happen. i wish i still thought it did but i know it wont. well i should prolly stop writing. but before i go. i just want to say none of this is supposed to be mean. i know we all have our flaws. nobody is perfect. alright im going to sleep. im tired..bye.

"I'm fallin' in love,But it's fallin' apart.,I need to find my way back to the start.,When we were in love.,Oh things were better than they are.,Let me back into.,Into your arms."

-The Maine! 

today i woke up to my mom screaming "LETS GO, HELP ME OUTSIDE." so i got up and we started setting up for the garage sale. it wasn't that bad just hot. we got alot of people but we sold stuff cheap. but i guess thats what garage sales are all about. also, kristen and hallie are supposed to be coming home tonightt. thats a good thing. anyways, i dont have much to say about today but my mom, my sister and i had a good conversation about guys today. kinda funny actually. even though shes not helping by bringing you up all the time. i think it can only get better from here. well, hallie might come over tonight or tomorrow. who knows. now were going to eat and most likely i will write later. 

"Take off your makeup and put down the camera,choke on the drama that makes me want to,tear up the pictures, the pictures i begged you to save,creating a life of trends and make believe..."

today was okay. at 4:30 i went to the movies with my mom, my sister and her friend andrea. we saw the movie the ugly truth. it was the funniest, dirtiest movie ever. gerard butler was in it though. he is one of 1,000 of my celebrity crushes haha. then we went to Brooklyn pizza and went home. i got ready at at 7:30 me and devin went to go see harry potter and the half blood prince. it was his first time seeing it and my second. in the beginning it was a little awkward but it got better as time went on. after the movie i talked to him on facebook and he said he wants to hangout again either tuesday or wednesday if hes off from work. well, im just glad everything worked out today. oh, and i talked to steven elliot. i was shocked actually. we never talk anymore and i think we should start. even brittany talked to me today. im really glad she did though. i think its been long enough and i think we need a fresh new start. i dont want to rush things but i do want to be friends again. more than anyone out of our group. well, tomorrow, i have to wake up for our garage sale at 7 to set-up. hallie also gets home tomorrow and i think she might help out. im not suree. well i should get some sleep for tomorrow. nightt <3

"And these walls I'm building now,You used to bring them down,The tears I'm crying out,You used to wipe away,I thought you said it was easy,listening to your heart,I thought you said I'd be ok,So why am I breaking apart?,Don't wanna be torn..."

-miley cyrus....ik gross. 

this picture pretty much sums up my feelings today.anyways,this one is gna b short because my sisters laptop is dying. today, i woke up and my computer was gone but they didnt take away my phone which is good. but the bad part is i woke up like at 12:00. i have so much shit to do and so little time. well, later were supposted to go to the movies with devin and kristina since we didnt go yesterday but i dont know how well thats going to fall through. when she asked her mom yesterday she said she was upset about something. i dont know if it was the idea that it was the 3 of us or something else. i hope we can go though. i texted sean to ask her if she wanted to come but she didnt answer. i guess thats a no. well i should go get shit done. bye. 

"..And as we lie beneath the stars,We realize how small we are,If they could love like you and me,

Imagine what the world could be"

Catch Me..

Before I fall too fast
Kiss me quick
But make it last
So i can see how badly this will hurt me
When you say good bye

Keep it sweet
Keep it slow
Let the future pass
And dont let go
But tonight i could fall to soon into this beautiful moonlight

But your so hypnotising
You got me laughing while i sing
You got me similing in my sleep
And I can see this unravling
And your love is where im falling
But please dont catch me

See this heart
Wont settle down
Like a child running scared from a clown
l'm terrified of what you'll do
my stomach screams just when I look at you

Run far away
So I can breath
Even though your far from suffocating me
I can't set my hopes to high
Cuz every hello ends with a goodbye

But your so hypnotising
You've got me laughing while I sing
You've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unravling
Your love is where im falling
But please dont catch me

So now you see
Why I'm scared
I cant open up my heart without a care
But here i go
Its what i feel
But for the first time in my life i know its real

But you're so hypnotising
You've got me laughing while I sing
You've get me smiling in my sleep
And i can see this unravling
And your love is where im falling
So please don't catch me

And if this is love
Please don't break me
I'm giving up
So just catch me

i lied. this is one of the worst days of my life. today when i went to dd's it wasnt that bad. after that, it all went downhill. well we didnt go to the movies. so i just stayed home. were going sometime tomorrow. im not sure how thats going to turn out but hopefully it will be good. well now i got my phone and my computer taken away for having an "attitude." okay, if your dad told you to turn off the lights in your room, while you were in it, would you have an attitude? maybe its just me im not sure. but i did i guess. whatever. lets hope he forgets to take it away tomorrow. i dont know how im going to write blogs, unless my sister is nice and lets me use hers. i think im going to need it. saturday and sunday i have the garage sale. hallies coming to help out. i dont think im going to make it through the week. i guess im kind of hurt. that yew went from me to her to me and now back to her. and you tell me i should trust you? how can i trust someone that keeps changing their mind and cant get ahold of their feelings. idontknow. lets just hope tomorrow will help me forget about things. there are these two songs that keep coming  up on my ipod when i put it on shuffle. one by demi lovato about still loving someone but them breaking up. and one by red car wire thats about it being hard to get over someone when you keep thinking about them. i dont know if its trying to tell me something but maybe its just a coincidence...who knows. 

p.s i like how my mom keeps bringing you up. not making things easier..jsyk. 

"Before I fall too fast,Kiss me quick,But make it last,So i can see how badly this will hurt me,When you say good bye....See this heart,Wont settle down,Like a child running scared from a clown,l'm terrified of what you'll do

my stomach screams just when I look at you,Run far away,So I can breath,Even though your far from suffocating me,I can't set my hopes to high,Cuz every hello ends with a goodbye..."

- Demi Lovato.

yesterday after the movie, me and my mom and dad went out to dinner and target. after that, i watched degrassi reruns. good sheeettt. then this morning, i woke up at like 8 and went to work with my dad. im "training" so i can get a job there. everyone was really nice. they helped me get familar with everything and we made so much coffee. haha because we had to test the machines. liz made me a iced coffee and it actually wasn't that bad. it was my first time having it haha. well at like 6:30 7:00 im supposed to be going to the movies with kristina and devin to see harry potter again! (: WHOOT. imma go get ready and ill prolly write later...kbye!

p.s im trying to convince myself everything happened for the best....ill let you know how well that works. 

 

"Things that we need to say,Fall through the cracks,Like I love you, I miss you,I hate life with out you,And where have you been my love,I want you back.,So I don't feel alone in the world, And baby yeah you're hard to get over, We're older, it's just a little lie we tell all ourselves, In itself, promise me, let's never get older..."

- Red Car Wire<3!

You Make Me Crazierr..

I've never gone with the wind
Just let it flow
Let it take me where it wants to go
Til' you opened the door
And there's so much more
I'd never seen it before
I was tryin' to fly but I couldn't find wings
But you came along and changed everything

You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me Crazier Crazier Crazier

I watched from a distance as you
Made life your own 
Every sky was your own kind of blue
And I wanted to know how that would feel
And you made it so real
You showed me something that I couldn't see
You opened my eyes and you made me believe

You lift my my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I 
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier crazier crazier

Ohhhh

Baby you showed me what livin' is for
I don't wanna hide anymore
Oh Ohh

You lift my feet off the ground 
You spin me around 
You make me crazier crazier
Feels like I'm fallin and I 
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier crazier crazier
Crazier Crazier

i stole this picture from my sisters blog so thanks sarah. well, the show last night was amazing. we got to the crazy donkey at 12 and waited on line till 6:00 pm. long day. while we were waiting on line i met this girl. she brought out her guitar and she was playing The Cab's music while the rest of us were singing. then The Cab came out and were taking a photoshoot. we started singing louder so they would come over and it worked! Alex, Alex, Alex, Cash, and Bryan came over to meet all 10 of us. i talked to Alex Marshall the most. hes so nice. we had a good conversation about like random shitt but it was a good conversation at that. then i met Alex Johnson but he didnt look to happy. then they went to dave and busters and mini golf. LOL  THEY WOULD. when we got in the venue My Favorite Highway played first. they were so good. then Eye Alaska, then The Summer Set, then A Rocket To The Moon, then my bbycksz, The Cab. they played 3 of my favorite songs first. when they played Vegas Skies with their acoustic guitar i almost died. Alex DeLeon was listerally 2 ft away from us. when i got home i was dead so i just went straight to bed. This Morning, i woke up and my parents were at work already. now im watching the hannah montana movie LULZ. its actually not a bad movie. the music in it is kinda good....i cant believe i just said that. haha well i guess i will write later about my day. maybe if seans free she can come here. idk. i was thinking about the picture while writing this and i think its so true. life is to short to be anything but happy. so thats my goal for the month, lets see how this works out. 

"cage match in my body;my head v.s my heart. my heart always smashes my brain with the ladder and climbs out."

- pete wentz!

this morning i woke up at 9 to get ready to see my favorite band were leaving the house at 12 and going to the crazy doneky. im really excited! i want to get like front row haha. well im going to be waiting there for 5 hours. oh joy haha. at least i will have sean with me. anyways, every song i listen to reminds me of you. i know you said you didnt know but i need to know. i dont want to get too close and then get stomped on. i dont know. i should finish getting ready...bye. 

"You lift my feet off the ground,And spin me around,You make me crazier crazier,Feels like i'm falling and I,I'm lost in your eyes,You make me Crazier Crazier Crazier"

-taylor swift...!

THE CAB IS TOMORROW. but im not as excited as i thought...im not sure why though. maybe tomorrow i will be? anyways, today was bad. woke up, and cleaned all the windows and screens. i had to take all of them out of the windows bring them outside soak them in soap and water. then clean the windows down. then keep the screens out to dry and then put them back. well, the screens now have all white shit on them from idek what. then lauren and kristina came over. that was fun. we made braclets and talked. well, now they just left and im siting here thinking about everything they told me to do with you. i still don't know though. they both said almost the EXACT same thing. kristina said she see's me more upset over you then when im happy. that i can find someone better and eventually i will feel just as comfortable with the new person then when im with you. lauren pretty much said the same thing. and that if we do go back out, the problems we tried and ignored are just going to come up again. one of us is going to get hurt in the end so its not a good idea. but they also said its still up to me because i see a diffrent side of you. all i think about is the good times we had..well..when we had good times. well i think i want to but when i get ready to tell you all i think to myself is "wait, is this a good idea, are you 1,000,000% sure about this, because you cant end it in 2 days from now." but i just might be willing to take the risk. well going to the library to get my summer reading books. then prolly watching hannah montanna, making braclets and getting ready for tomorrow...BYE. 

"take the risk, take the fall,  if its what you want then its worth it all.."

-? 

i want a wall like this in my future home. anyways...haha. oh boy. today was a good day. i woke up and got dressed, then we all talked about going to florida. its really happening. were going to go sometime in august. were going to stay in a hotel just like a real vacation, instead of staying at my grandmas house. im excited but im not. im going to miss alot of people. but i think i need to get away. well after we talked about florida. we went to the dollar store and bought so many candles. there so peaceful. we also bought real flowers and put them in a vase. i love flowers too :). then, we went to target, subway and my aunt maries house. we sat by the pool which was fun i guess. then i went home got my guitar and went to seans house with mike and matt. that was so fun. we played guitar the whole time which was fun. i learned a lot from them. well now im home and now im watching that 70's show. even though i should be straightening my hair. i cant sleep when its wet and curly im not sure why though. i guess i feel like i have to straighten it in the morning. ugh, i hate it. its so annoying. whatever. tomorrow at 8:15 my cousin is dropping off his dog so we can watch him for the day. then at 4:00 i might go to seans for a party. maybe i will invite lauren over in the morning so she can help me with the dog and my hair haha.LOVE YOU LAUREN. kbye.

p.s I HATE KRISTINA FOR CUTTING OFF MY JOHN OH PICTURE.! oh and i think i might want to go out again...ugh! i need to figure this outt. 

"I thought I had my girl but she ran away,My car got stolen and I'm gonna be late,For work this week, make that the fourth day straight,But I'm fine with it (you don't have to worry),I thought I had it all but I gave it away,I quit that old job and now I'm doing okay,Those material things, they can't get in my way,Cuz I'm over it"

HERRO JOHN OH

i cant believe it. today was the best day ever. went to sleep at like 1 because lauren wwouldnt stop being creepy. haha whateves i still love her. anyways, woke up got dressed, got laurens mom, got kristina, bought breakfast and then warped tour! when we got there we met up with dan and matt. there pretty cool. well then we were going to see saosin. the maine tent was right there. so we went over there and saw pat and said hi of course and jared haha. then me and kristina turn around and HEY ITS JOHN OH! is it bad i started tearing? idk, im a freak sometimes. when it comes to the people that influence me and my life everyday i think its not as weird if i cry haaha. well so we met him and we took a picture. even though i look ridiculously stupid and disheveled, i dont care because at the end of the day, everyone looks stupid and ridiculous. so yah good day. we left at like 6:30 because we were dying and couldn't stay any longer. there wasn't anyone we wanted to see later anyways except escape the fate at 7:55. well, after that lauren came back here and we just chilled. so excited to wear my maine tee with john cornelius o'callaghan's signature...i need to stop. haha. im super tired. prolly sleep soon. who knows what im doing tomorrow..bye! <3

"Everything about me seems much different when I was young,I couldn't wait to take my place 5 years to pass,So why, I've never felt so alone in my whole life, times not on my side.."

-A DAY TO REMEMBER. <3! 

p.s: even though they were a disappointment at warped tour i still love them...somehow. haha (: 

I Need To Get Away..

today was a pretty good day. woke up and had a shit load to do. my mom said she would give me money if i  did stuff around the house. so i did everything on the list. i called lauren and she came over to help me outt. then my mom came home and we washed her car, and made garage sale posters. we were both sopping wet. kinda funny, actually. then she left. i went in the shower and got ready. WARPED IS TOMORROW. now im going to ralphs and then lauren is coming here to sleep over so we can get ready for WARPED together. im so excited to see the maineeee! well, not really much to say because everything went well. no fighting, no screaming, no hitting. its all goooddd. we even might go to florida in august. i really need a vacation. its pretty bad. i need to get away from commack for a little. lets hope that goes through. hahaha GOODBYE!!

<3

"We're all part of the same,Sick little games,And I need to get away, get away,I'm wasting the days,I throw them away,Losing it all on these sick little games"

- All Time Low 

Here Comes Goodbye..

today was one of the worst and best days of my life. well, woke up got dressed and went to gurwin. didn't weel anyone into any walls which was good. i met the nicest lady named mildrid. she was so nice. she told me to never get married because all they want to do is get into your pants. i think i almost hit the floor when she said that. she was so nice. she said she wanted me to visit her when i was off from work. haha. anyways, after that i went to hallies and we ate lunch and then went back to my house around 4:30. then this is when the worst part of the day came around. i noticed hallie was acting weird. so i was like why are you being nasty? and shes like well i think its the other way around stephanie..so she tells me im always so mean to my mom and i gegt everything i want and im so mean to her. no, i dont get everything i want. i actually dont have half the shit i want. and your mean to your mom too. so mean you dont even know. and maybe im mean to her because she makes me feel like shit all the time. so i go downstairs and she goes waht happend? so i tell her and she goes well all your friends say that. like thanks ma that makes me feel better. but she goes so why dont you wear girly clothes? and i had a mental breakdown and told her why. i dont like saying it. but things are going to change. i know ive said that before and never did anything about it but i already started. well then we went to Ryan's. it was so fun. i love that kid. hes so funny, i was like crying from laughing. even though you think i like him. i dont. and even if i did  he probably wouldn't like me anyways. so whatever. well im tired and im going to get some sleep. tomorrow is friday and Kristen's leaving for her cruise. im going to Ralph's house with people. kinda excited. i might were my dress but im not sure haha. COOL. and i need to do so much shit around the house tomorrow. WARPED 2 DAYS....WHAT?!?!?!?!

kpeace.

"I can hear her say I love you like it was yesterday,And I can see it written on her face that she had never felt this way

One day I thought Id see her with her daddy by her side,And violins would play here comes the bride..but here comes goodbye, here comes the last times.."

- Rascal Flatts 

Take My Life, Ill Hand It To You..

this might sound bad but i dont have a hero. its kinda been bothering me lately. i wish i could say "yup, i look up to that person. they've been with me through so much i can go to them for anything." but i cant say that. i wish i could. but i do have a guy that has been my inspiration. his name is Alexander William Gaskarth. i have met him once and talked to him for about 10 minutes. but it had to be one of the best 10 minutes i've had with anybody ive met from any band. hes inspired me to try different things and to enjoy life as it comes. he taught me to not worry about what people think. they can talk all they want, but it only can affect you if u listen to what negative bullshit there saying. i'm not saying hes perfect or even a good role model but he has inspired me so much. that might be pathetic. a guy from a stupid alternative band inspiring a 15 year old. well suck it up because its true haha. thank you Alexander William Gaskarth for inspiring me. well today, me and lauren walked to target and we saw mike seres and his friends there. lolol. love that kid. he can be mean sometimes but he still is nice.....anyways, then i got my tuberculosis shot checked and I DONT HAVE TUBERCULOSIS! SWEET! well hallie did faint though. right in the hall. i was so scared. ive never seen someone faint before. it was the scariest thing i think ive ever experienced with a friend. well im glad shes okay now. we went back to my house and went shopping. i got the cutest dress ever. i usually cant find clothes i like because i usually think i look...gross. but i actually like something. surprising! haha i also bought purple skinnys! :D so excited haha. but im so nervous for tomorrow. i have gurwin and im scared im not going to know where to go or not going to be able to get someone in the elevator or forget to lock a wheelchair. oh god. im freaking out haha. i need to "RELAX" inspiring words by Daniel Brian Gillen ahaha. well, i feel like i should talk about this. i heard you don't like how i act sometimes. well maybe sometimes i act like that because you make me feel bad. even my mom, my sister and MY SISTERS FREIND, is saying you don't seem to like me very much. i know your going thought alot with everything but you can at least try and pretend to like me. i don't want to keep trying to be friends so if you don't want to be friends just tell me because im sick of being the one to try. anyways, i want to thank the people that ARE there for me to listen. whoever that is... i just wish i had ONE person i can go to, to tell everything. and they came to tell me stuff also. i dont have someone like that. well, at least i dont think i do? everyone has someone in our group. who do i have? whatever. i have to wake up at 9 tomorrow so im going to go to sleep. i just wish everyone could get along perfectly. and nobody fought, nobody worried about what they wore or what they looked like...this is commack. thats like asking all time low to come to my house. never going to happen.. goodnightt. 

"I've got watch but I don't have time.,I've got a road that leads to decadence,But a dead end sign waits down the line, ill leave my footprints for the evidence..."

-All Time Low 

I leave my foot prints for the evidence

today started of horribly. even though harry potter was amazing. it was the funniest harry potter's but still good. i didn't really sleep well. maybe its because i moved my room...again. idk. maybe i just have a lot on my mind. well, Lauren's coming here soon and i think were going to go for a walk. then i have gerwin at 4. im so fucking scared for Thursday. its my first day and im convincing myself im going to wheel someone into the walls. i know im going to do something wrong. i dont know where anything is in the place. who do i ask? the 100 year old im weeling around? she will lead me out the door and down the street. whatever lets hope everything works out okay. after gerwin i might go to Lauren's or whatever. we dont even know yet. well Lauren's here and im going to go. but before i do, i dont like this. this is what i mean. you never believe me anymore. i met him after we broke up. yah i do still miss you..alot. but i dont know why you make me feel bad all the time. well you just texted me. and you dont want to get back together. i finally get my feelings straight and you change yours. well, i cant change your mind. but just try and remember..i still love you and will never forget my first love. i should go talk to lauren. bye.

"I don't wanna be afraid,I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today,And know that I'm okay,Cause everyone's perfect in their usual way,So you see, I just wanna believe in me"

- LOL. 

today was an amazing day. im not sure why or what made it so great it just was. i woke up. watched degrassi and then cleaned till 5:00. i had to clean because if i didn't i wasn't allowed to see harry potter at midnight with my sister her friend andrea and kristen. and i also wouldn't have been able to see transformers with tommy and max. so at 5:30 i did my hair and lauren came over at 6:00. we met up with them at the movies....we were trying to set up max and lauren but i guess all lauren sees him is as a friend. i hate to see him hurt though. well it was nice to actually hang out with tommy again. hes so funny..... anyways, now im going to get ready to see harry potter. so i guess ill write later. but theres one thing i have to say. yes, i do miss you so much you have no idea. whatever time of day, whatever im doing im always thinking about you. its not that i never want to get back together its just hard to explain. there were somethings i just didn't like that you did i guess. i dont even remember what they were. but i just dont think i can do it right now. just give me time. im sure it will be soon i just need time to think about everything. when you cry like that it makes me upset too. so dont think that its not hurting me either. you decided to end it not me. not to sound mean at all. i dont know. whatever. im going to go get ready. so excited! byee!

p.s sorry, i know you said you liked me and i probably led you on. but i miss him to much at the moment to move on this soon. 

"if you love someone, let it go. if it comes back to you, its your's forever. if it doesn't, the it wasn't ment to be.." 

- Anonymous 

Im Up Down, Spinning Around..

lets just say today was a good day. woke up. watched degrassi. 12:00 rolled around. got dressed. cleaned my room. off to gerwin. we went over all the rules and theres so much to remember. im sure i will get used to it and i think im going to enjoy it but im scared im going to weel someone into a wall or whatever.HAHA. this is me being paranoid. well, then i got my tuberculosis shot. didnt hurt that much. i overreacted...as usual. haha. then i went out to lunch with my mom and my sister. and we saw you at friendlys. YOU GOT A HAIRCUT. haha well i think it looks cute. neyways, i learned remembering sunday on guitar. so excited to learn the end. i dont know what to do though. we just broke up and now you say you regret it. how can i believe that? well im not sure how i feel. i dont feel anything right now because it just happened yesterday. im sorta glad i dont feel it yet because i want to be in a good mood as long as possible. sorry if that is offensive towards you. its not ment to be mean. im sure i will feel the pain in a few days..it just hasn't hit me yet..well, i should go get ready. me my sister my mom dan and hallie are going to my dads showcase. haven't been to one of those in a while...will tonightt. write tomorrow. bye! 

"I'm gonna break down these walls I built around myself,I wanna fall so in love (so in love) with you and no one else,Could ever mean half as much to me as you do now,Together well move on, just don't turn around,Let the walls break down...."

-All Time Low<3!

.....Let The Walls Break Down.

Im going to pretend this is sundays. well today i went to gerwin and i think it went well. tomorrow im going back to get my tuberculosis shot and im freaking out. im so scared its going to hurt like hell. i know its in and out but im so nervous. i have 0 tolerance for pain. anyways, after that i went to my cousins, and found out alot. im shocked she would do that but thats what growing up is all about. we need to hangout more often if shes ever not with her friends..well, me and you broke up. it was for the best i guess..im going to sleep. Lauren's coming here at 12 and i gotta b up and dressed. SO NERVOUS FOR TOMORROW. bye. 

"if you love someone, let it go. if it comes back to you, its yours forever. if it doesn't then it wasn't ment to be..."

-Anonymous.

<3

last night was the best night ever. i cant even explain it. yes i looked like shit after but i didnt even care. i met so many nice people. especially the person in the picture. he was so nice. well couldnt feel my legs after the show. but whatever. woke up this morning and went to gerwin to volunteer. me and hallie had an interview with the lady and i think it went well. they asked me to play piano for the old people but i said i could try. i hate playing in front of people. anyways, now im home wondering if im going to my cousins party or not. i hope i am. well, tomorrow i have a orientation and my tuberculosis shot. i think i have the lowest tolerance for pain. i cant handle shots or anything haha. its kinda bad. but i heard it wasnt bad at all. i dont even knowwww. well now im going to go clean my room and see if im going to this partyy. your still on my mind. i dont know what to do. i hate not knowing. i feel like i have no control of my feelings. i guess i need to decide soon though. whatever. bye.

"Another suicide sunday,Another way to go nowhere,Another day to do nothing,another radio nightmare,another suicide sunday..."

- The Friday Night Boys<3!

Therapy, You Were Never A Friend To Me...

today started amazingg. i woke up at 4:30 but hey whatevess! then went back to sleep and got up at 10:00 and found myself on the floor and lauren on the couch. i dont even remember moving. haha. then we made bracelets and my wrist is like filled to my elbow haha. now laurens in the shower and im writing this before she comes out lolol. this morning i was listening to alex gaskarth on the gunz show and it just made me LOL so hard. like wtf...lol. anyways, i should be getting ready for our show today. im so excitedd. even though im thinking about what you decided on im not going to let it ruin my day. everyone always ruins my day somehow but not today. nope. well were going to go get batteries and then were going to go at like 2:30. so excited! but i need to know what do to. should i stay or should i go. i dont knoww. i asked my friends and they all tell me whatever i think will make me happier. but i cant tell. i wish someone could make up my mind for me. but i cant do that. thats wrong. he made up his mind by himself...i think. and now i have to make up mine. tomorrow i have a orientation for gerwin at 10:30 with hallie. i hope i wake up because i dont know what time im getting back tonight. then im going to my cousins party. YES. im so exicted haha im not sure why though. whatever, im going to get dressed. PEAYCEEEE!!!

"The power lines went out,And I am all alone,But I don’t really care at all,Not answering my phone,All the games you played,The promises you made,Couldn’t finish what you started,Only darkness still remains..."

-Hey Monday!

If I Had A Chance For Another Try, I Wouldn't Change A Thing..

i know this picture is weird but i like it, so whatever. yesterday was alright i guess. lauren came here and we worked on kristina's album for a while. then around 7:15 we went to doms house. i guess you could say that was fun. but i really don't know what to do anymore. seems like everything i do isint right. i don't know how much longer i can do this. I'm not saying i want to. ugh i don't know anymore. i give up trying. well, this day is already starting to suck. were fighting again, whatever.  Lauren's on her way here now to work on it more before the party. after the party lauren might sleep here because we have our hey monday, this providence, the friday night boys..ect. concert tomorrow. that should be fun. get my mind off stupid shit. i hope she can sleepover though. well i should go clean before my mom comes home. goodbye.

p.s. i lied...i dont know what im doing yet... 

"If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing, This made me all of who I am inside, And if I could 

thank God, That I am here, and that I am alive, And everyday I wake, I tell myself a little harmless lie, 

The whole wide world is mine..."

- Angles & Airwaves<3

today is starting off good i guess. woke up had 12 new messages because people dont know the word sleep. then i straightened my hair for 5,000 years and watched degrassi. i wish i didn't have to worry about it so much but of course, with my luck i do. dads off today. WHOOT. whatever. i think he's in a good mood anyways. 2:30 laurens coming here and were working on the album since we haven't started it. well i have we haven't. but i have to start summer reading. i have two fucking books to read and a project on top of that. that should be exciting. after i did my hair, i cleaned my room. now im in the process of writing and looking up alex gaskarth. his quotes make me go into deep thought. but i have to say hes been an inspiration to me and probably everyone else in the world. there are so many ways to explain how their music has changed me but thats for another time. well i hope my day doesn't suck that much. 

p.s. it feels good to finally make a decision.. 

"A handful a moments,I wish I could change,But I was carried away..."

- All Time Low 

With The Weight Of The World On My Shoulders, They Just Want To See Me Fall..

well after i wrote i sat on my lawn with hallie and we ate popcorn. then 10 minutes later my mom drove us to her house to go in the pool. we went in for a while and then at 9:00 my mom picked me up. we went food shopping with my dad and that took like 5 seconds.. when i got home i read Lauren's blog. well i wish i could go back to 8th grade too. that was my best year. i wish i could back. i would give up anything to go back and fix all of the mistakes i made and just have none of this fucking shitty drama. im really convinced none of us are happy. not even lauren. Lauren's always happy...everyone takes everything to heart now. i mean so do i sometimes but not ALL the time. dan asked me the question who out of all of your friends is most trustworthy and i couldn't name any..that made me think. why cant i? a few minutes later i remembered something kristina told me. " you can never trust anyone 100%." and she's right, you can't. ive learned my lesson with past friends that i cant trust anyone. i think thats why i never talk about why im upset anymore. im better than i used to be but its still somehow the same. i dont know. im so confused with everything. and you questioning if i love you is just making it more confusing. i dont know if your're reading this but im not trying to be mean. like i do. you shouldn't have to question it all the time....well im glad paramore came out with a new song right when i needed it. i love paramore. i love alot of bands. but paramore is one of my favorites. their new cd is coming out september 29th. so excited. im also excited that im going to take guitar lessons again. i guess i stopped because i had a lot to worry about school but no. not this time. im not going to give up again. i might do dance again too. i need something to get everything off my mind anyways. because i really cant stand people. first you guys are "friends" and then you hate the person...how does that make any sence. then you flirt with the person and the next second you wont talk to them...ever. why cant you just make up your mind? whatever. i think its funny how the beginning of today i wasnt upset about anything and now look at what im writing everything negative. im trying to find something to stay happy about but nothing comes to mind.. 

"if i’m a bad person, you don’t like me,i guess i’ll go, make my own way,it’s a circle, a mean cycle,i can’t excite you anymore,where’s your gavel? your jury?,what’s my offense this time?,you’re not a judge but if you’re gonna judge me,well sentence me to another life..."

- Paramore!

CSWS

today is the 1 year anniversary of the maine's first cd CSWS! this picture is from so long ago but i just had to use itt. well anyways yesterday i bought my all time low cd with lauren and its amazing. i love every song. well after that we went to my house and made bracelets. like i dont have enough already...then she left and i went to the movies to see transformers with hallie. lucky for us it was sold out... so me and hallie went to blockbuster with my mom to rent a movie. we rented Knowing. it was kinda depressing but a good movie. i dont know if i would see it again though. well then after that we watched p.s i love you. one of my favorite movies. it was kinda sad though. we made bracelets too. hah soon there gonna be up to my elbow. when we woke up, hallie walked to target because she wanted to bake a cake. so we made a funfetti cake and now im writing while she makes my bed haha :). THANKS HALLIE!  well today i think i might go to hallies to swim or laurens going to come here and work on our album for someones birthday. well today is a good day. even though i want to do something outside! haha whateverrrr. prolly write later about my day. kpeace. 

"'m gonna break down these walls,I built around myself,I wanna fall so in love,With you and noone else,Could ever mean half as much,To me as you do now..."

-All Time Low <3 >

 

All Time Low!

ahh! my bbys. i would have to say there one of my top 3 favotite bands. i've been with them for a while and i dont see me not liking them anymore, anytime soon. there lyrics explain my life in the strangest ways. well most of them anyways. there new cd came out today. there first ep came out in 2004. good shit. SO STUPID WHORES NEED TO STOP PRETENDING TO LIKE THEM. BTW ALEX GASKARTH IS MY BBY, JSYK!. haha well at 1:30 im going to go get there cd "nothing personal." why am i so excited for a cd? haha. im ridiculous. well after that, lauren is coming over to make kristinas giftt. then i might go to hallies but who even knowssss. i really have nothing else to say today. which is surprising because usually my blogs go on forever about stupid shit. but, i have noticed ive been so much happier lately. i guess its because i realized i cant let people bring me down all the time. if you let them, your never going to be happy. well remembering sunday has been a insirational song for me this month. im not sure why but it has. im learning it on the guitar now and not getting to far. but im not giving up on it. not anymore. well i should go get ready for later. goodbye. 

"Even though she doesn’t believe in love,He’s determined to call her bluff,Who can deny these butterflies,They’re filling his gut..."

-All Time Low<3! 

Hey Monday

oh hello. i will be seeing you in 5 DAYS with lauren. that should be funn. oh and with The Bigger Lights,Stereo Skyline,The Friday Night Boys and This Providence. fuck yes. lolol. well today im bored already. i cleaned up my room and vacuumed. now hallie is supposed to be coming here any minute. then im supposeted to be hanging out with dan and other people. i dont even knowwww. im just glad all time low's new cd comes out tomorrow! haha. maybe ill just stay home today...idk. we shall see what the day brings. hallies here. i should go...kpeace. 

"he power lines went out,And I am all alone,But I don’t really care at all,Not answering my phone,All the games you played
The promises you made,Couldn’t finish what you started, Only darkness still remains..."

-Hey Monday 

one of the best days ever. woke up and went to the beach with mother and father. BORING. worst sunburn ever. i dont even know how i slept last night. after that, at 2:45 lauren and i went to Kristina's. we got there and we helped them get the fireworks ready. they had so many. we talked and whatever. we had like 5 jello shots haha. then kristina's like i want a pina colada. so her dad made us those. and then strawberry dackerys...then beer. ohmygod. i thought i was going to puke. haha "kristina, give me the beer..your a drunken mess!" haha i had to like keep it away from kristina and lauren. good times..good times. then we all were like stalking this kid. and kristinas mom was so done. so she goes up to the kid and goes "those 3 girls shotty you!" we all like ran outside crying. they said he was flattered but like ohmygod. so embarrassing. and i asked him if he needed help and they were making fun of me for the rest of the time. i love them. when i got in the car my mom asked me if i drannk i was like NO! lolol i love my friends. well today i might go to my cousins that i havent seen in 1,000 years. i cant believe im saying this but i miss her. i miss staying up till 5 and her mom coming in and asking us if we even slept. i miss pacing around her kitchen and getting yelled at. i miss seeing her at dance. i miss hanging out with her every weekend. well hopefully i will see her today. and then after that i think im going to the beach with dan and kristina. well i should go clean so plans can stay the way they are hah. goodbyee!

"She wears high heels, I wear sneakers,She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers,Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find,That what you're looking for has been here the whole time..."

-Taylor Swift!