today was better than i expected. today i woke up at like 9 and i realized i was at hallies. i think i forgot haha. then went back to sleep and woke up with the phone shoved in my face with hallie screaming ITTS YOUR MOM! that was pleasant. then we went downstairs made eggs and then after a while we went to laurens with kristina. then we went to friendlys and of course you were there. haha it was kind of funny. since lauren and laurens cousin jenn asked for balloons haha. today was a good day mentally to. i didnt really fight with you or anyone else. that was a good thing.  anyways, now lauren is here and were hanging out. were gonna go watch p.s i love you and because i said so.  and my dear friend. im sorry, i know your both going through alot but i know you guys can get through this. i will be there when you need me. anytime, anyday. i love you guyss! (: okay laurens here...bye

p.s. you never leave my mindd.<3

"Don't you know if you go,You'll go without me,Don't you leave me as if you never cared at all,If you go, don't go, go without me,Don't you need me?,So say, you are my everything,Just say, I'm hanging onto every word that you said,A part of me will never be the same..."

-My Favorite Highway<3!

do you feel..feel the way i feel?

im sorry.im sorry i get bitchy,unfair,annoying,stubborn,and all the other things i do that bother you. but that's me. i try and stop but i cant. i hope theres good things that you like but i dont think there is. anyways, i usually don't write blogs about you. once in a while. well me and hallie just got out of the pool and we talked...alot. she talked about how much she trust's chris and how she doesn't want to give up on someone she wants so bad. instantly when she said that i thought of you. even when we do fight. it will tear us apart but when its over it only brings us closer. i know sometimes it seems like i cant stand you but thats not true. i swear i love you. even when we dont say it and were fighting like 2 year olds. i still love you. when you tell me im being unfair and annoying. i still love you. there is some attraction to the giraffe you bought me. i sleep with it every night. is that sad? i dont know why but i cant fall asleep without it. and my other dog i had since i was 6. anyways, i cant stand the feeling of loosing you. forever. you being gone just doesn't seem right. i know you probably dont have the same feelings but maybe theres a one in a million chance that you do? well i dont want to get my hopes up but who knows? i know were diffrent in plenty of ways. you do things that bother me too. like sometimes you force me into things that i dont want to do. but sometimes in the end im glad i did it. anyways, i hope theres one thing i know for sure we have in common. we love eachother. well i should go hang out with hallie now. i love you and i always will. thank you for being there for me no matter what.

"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,Until you come and sit awhile with me..."
-josh groban?! <3>

The World May Never Know..

i. am. so. tired. but im liking the nice weather. i didn't go to sleep till 5:30 and i woke up at 7:45 then went back to sleep and woke up at 11:30. im exhausted. and you would think i want to stay home and relax...no. today was a eh day. not much fun shit happened. we woke up at 11:30. ate breakfast. hung out in laurens room. ate lunch at like 12:30. then i went home. ive been trying to figure out what to do today and i think im going to hallies. i might sleep there but i dont know yet. well we fought so much over stupid shit that we were both being immature at. the words are trust and communication. i think these 2 words mean so much in a relationship. 2 things we BOTH need to work on. i dont want to fight anymore. the things we fight over are not worth flipping out over. and i dont think you want to fight anymore either...well i hope. for some reason, i always think about you. i dont know if thats a good or bad thing. you got so mad at me last night. SO MAD. like over what? because i didnt want to hang out alone? i understand getting upset but just saying bye.? i dont know. whatever. its over now. well im going to go clean my room and do other shit before i ask if i can sleep there. tomorrow, im probably going to go to laurens and hang out and then maybe shes going to sleepover if she doesnt go to her cousins. then thursday im supposed to hang out with dan and friday were all going to jakes house. well ill write later or tomorrow. bye. 

p.s i never thought i treated you like shit. but i do that to everyone...dont i? <3? 

who knows anymore. 

"hey there Delilah what's it like in new york city, im a 1,000 miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty yes you do, time square cant shine as bright as you, i swear its true..."

-Plain White T's 

today was such a good day. i woke up and i went outside with my sister. i started my summer reading. i never knew how long that book was. i thought i had to read two short ones but i guess not haha. whatever. my sister said it wont take long because its a good book. i hope shes right. well after that my mom, laurens mom, lauren and i went to sunken meadow beach. it was fun but hotttt. i hate ocean water so that didnt help to muchh. we took too many pictures haha. well after that we went to ralphs italian ices and then we went back to laurens and went in the pool....well.. we sat on floats and pushed eachother around the pool but same thing haha. i love her. i still feel bad about the other day but i guess she understood. thats what best friends do. they fight and then the make up. i really dont know what i would do without her and kristina. they are always there for me no matter what and i hope they know i will always be there for them no matter what. oh..and we fought today :/. it kinda sucked but we got over it. just like they do in the notebook. they fight all the time but they still love eachother. i guess in a way thats a good thing. i love you. sometimes too much. i dont know what i would do without you, kristina and lauren. i would be a mess. and of course all of my other friends..well tonight im sleeping at laurens with her cousin and tomorrow i have tommys party but i dont know if i can go yett. i want to go with kristina but i dont know if she can goo. well now, im going to go play scrabble with my mom, laurens mom, kyle, lauren, laurens cousin danielle, and meee. that should be an intresting game of scrabble...byee for noww!
i love youuu!

"The sky was burning up like fireworks, you made me want you oh so bad it hurt, but boy incase you havent heard, i unsed to be love drunk, but now im hungover.."
-Boys Like Girls
<3

i. love. my. camera. lolol anyways, yesterday was so much fun! i had mat, max, tommy, dan, lauren, kristina, kristen, hallie, sean and me all at my house.i dont even remember the last time i hung out with tommy. haha. well we all just hung out and we did a firepit for a little while...until my sister took it over. i feel bad for my friend though. her boyfriend doesn't even bother with her. but what i learned is, if they dont bother with you, why bother with them? show them that you dont care if their gone,even if you do. they will respect you more. i know she can do better. there are so many people out there. theres someone for everyone. well today i think im hanging out with lauren then going to hallies later. im not sure. i thought my mom wanted me to stay home? iidekk. oh and my dad. supposedly i was "nasty" when he came in my room and hes "upset". like what the fuck. i was not. hes the one that told me to shut up and acted like a complete asshole.. whatever. well i should prolly go clean my room so i can go somewhere without her flipping a shit on me. 

oh dear you confuse me. <3

p.s 13 DAYS! 

"you say, you aint got time for me, actions speak louder than words.."

-Elliott Yamin!

Take Me Away...

i have a feeling today will be an awesome day. i woke up and my moms like "i think you should get a haircut" i dont know how long i've been saying that but at least she faced reality. well then we both decided on a haley williams haircut. im so excited and i hope it comes out the way i want it to. my mom also talked to my aunt this morning and she said i might be allowed to go to florida but it would be by myself. thats the only thing im nervous about. i would kill to go but i always wanted SOMEONE to come with me. oh well thats something to think about. oh yesterday me sean kristen dom tom and dan all went to ralph criscis house. it is so nice. his backyard is unexplainable. anyways, today my mom said i can have everyone over since my dad is working. so there going to come at 7:00 pm. hopefully that will be fun. hey best friend? if your reading this im sorry. i know i acted like a COMPLETE asshole to you but its just...hard to explain. i think you said in your other blog you figured it out and you probably have. well i should get going my haircut is soon. i think hallie and lauren are going to come over after to help me setup and whatever. kbye. 

i love you! 

"And my own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight, say when,my own two arms will carry you, tonight, tonight,

say when"

-The Fray

I Used To Be Love Drunk But Now Im Hung Over...

Yesterday was so much fun. i think i needed that. even if it was just to get away for a few hours. i am hoping that my mom and dad go through with letting me go away with a friend for like a week. i need a vacation. i dont really like vacations but i need to get away from commack. i would miss you though. well the concert yesterday was so much fun. i found a few songs i never heard before that i liked. after the show it was like 12:30 before i could go to sleep. we got back at like 11:00. well today, i dont know what im doing. i think im just going to hang out home. i cant wait for hallie to get home. I MISS THAT BITCH haha. well ive learned the hard way that you cant trust anyone with anything because you never know what will happen between you 2 in the future. im not sure what to do because its not like i want to loose you but ive tried. i know i can be a bitch believe me i know. but everyone can. everyone has bad days, hard times, but a good friend stays beside you until those bad days into fun memories. i know i have changing to do but i think we all do. i probably lost all of you already and i most likely cant make up for it. but if i didnt but you dont want to be friends. please just tell me  ii dont want to sit here thinking if you want to or not. and why do you seem like you like someone else. maybe im just being stupid as usual and overreacting but i hope its not true. its not the same as like a week ago. but maybe its just me. well ive learned alot in the past week that will hopefully help me out in the future. alright well i should go do all of those "chores" my mom is making me do! :/

bye. 

p.s LOVE DRUNK BY BOYS LIKE GIRLS IS ONE OF THE BEST SONGS...kbye.

"i used to be love drunk and now im hung over, i love you forever, forever is over..."

- Boys Like Girls<3!

The Fray!

im going to see these people tomorrow! whoot! hhaa me and my sister are going...that should be funn. well anyways, today was so much better than yesterday. today at like 1:00 dan, matt, tom, kristina, lauren and me. we hung out till like 6:00 and then i went go get my hair looked at with my mom and lauren. every single lady in that place said i would look good as a red head. there like "your hair would look healthier and you would look gorgeous" of course every single person in my family hates red hair on me. well im excited to see what they do with it because i hate my hair. its gross. i hope my mom lets me get what i want though. at first i wanted to go lighter but now i think i want to go darker. the girl that looked at my hair was like me. she likes all the funky hair colors and all the weird haircuts. i like her. haha. well now were back at my house and were waiting for laurens mom to pick us up to go to friendlys...lololol! well tomorrow idek what were doing probably going to laurens then at night THE FRAY! oh and p.s thanks for being a HORRIBLE friend. like i really appreciate it. 

"The power lines went out,And I am all alone,But I don’t really care at all,Not answering my phone,All the games you played

The promises you made,Couldn’t finish what you started,Only darkness still remains..."

-Hey Monday!

Im a Wreck..

today is fucking stupid. one of the worst days i think i have ever had...ever. after i finished writing my blog i helped lauren clean more. then we sat infront of the teve till like 4:00. then we couldnt find anything to do. all of our girl friends wouldnt answer their phones...figures. so we tried our guy friends. at 8:00 we went to starbucks with dan, tom, dom, mat, mat, joe me and lauren. pretty awkward considering joe didnt really know anyone. after everyone left me lauren and joe walked to sunshine acres. it was pretty awkward considering nobody was talking half the time and all lauren was doing was texting.. well now laurens here and shes texting...again. and im writing this piece of shit. if you cant tell already im in the worst mood. of course you have to get everything when you want it how you want it. it always has to be YOUR way. whatever im over it. 

what happened to if somethings bothering either of us we have to tell eachother no matter what? even if we think the other person will be mad? this is what we fucking agreed on. you promised me that we wouldnt get in stupid fights anymore...that went down the fucking drain. i thought relationships lasted on trust. you have to trust that you both love eachother enough to never leave you for someone else. i guess i didn't do a good job in showing you that i cared? i dont know what to say anymore. im sorry you think i like him but i want you to realize that i love you and that is not true.i dont like him. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. i dont. and if you dont want to be my friend i get it. if you dont want to talk to me just say it. if im bothering you just fucking tell me. stop lying to me and keep me waiting. i stopped doing that to people and i think you should to. its not fair. it just makes people more upset in the end. if you dont want someone to do that to you, why would you do that to them? well i should get going to sleep and by the way. thanks for being there for me. even though you talk about...HIM every 5 seconds thats okay just knowing your there for someone i can talk to makes me feel better. i know you cant trust anyone but i hope i can be that exception. because your the one person i know i can trust and i want you to feel the same way. when im upset i know you can make me feel better just by crying with me or putting ur head on my shoulder. i love you bestfriend and thank you<3 

well laurens sleeping over here tonight and tomorrow i think were all going to laurens to go in the pool. goodnight.

i love you!! 

"I just wanna scream and lose control,Throw my hands up and let it go,Forget about everything and run away,I just wanna fall and lose myself,Laughing so hard it hurts like hell,Forget about everything and run away..."

-Avril Lavigne

^Shes been explaining my life lately...

Life Lessons To Be Learned...

I didnt write last night because i slept at laurens and i was too tired to even function. we had our last finals yesterday. english and spanish. the spanish was hard but english was eassyyy. I PASSED BIOLOGY REGENTS. i hope i passed math too because then that means i dont have to go to summer school at all! yessss. well after school i went to dans house with lauren and tom. that was fun. after that i slep at laurens. now today we cleaned up the whole kitchen and now were trying to figure out something to do. i know i have said this before but i wish i could go back in time and bring all the new friends i met with me. back to september. I think it would have been 10x easier to fix all of the stupid mistakes we made and stop regreting the choices we have made. these choices are not just reflecting on their life its affecting all of ours. when one person is hurting we all are. when one personn is mad we all are. well now i just have to wait for everything to happen as it comes. i hope it works out the way i am hoping. most likely not though. well today, i think were going to hang out with joe but i dont even know yet. i have to ask lauren and everyone else what they want to do also. ill tell you about how dandy my day was later. byee!

"...Well this is not your fault But if I'm without youThen I will feel so smallAnd if you have to goAlways know that you shine brighter than anyone does..."
-Paramoree!

...And If I Wasnt So Young, Stupid Or Restless I Might Be Able Just To Forget This..

i dont think there is a picture that can begin to describe my feelings now. i have my english and spanish finals tomorrow. i will be failing my spanish one. without a doubt. at least i know i will pass my english one. my friend that i used to have feelings for hates me. i know hes upset because i would be also but i still want to be friends with him. its not like i want to loose him as a friend. i really only hung out with him twice but i considered one of my good friends. i was just starting to be myself around him and now it seems like he wants nothing to do with me. i dont know if im content, sad, upset or mad. i cant even tell. well i think me, lauren and maybe kristina are going to hang out with him this weekend. that will probably break the ice with everything. when he said he was "heartbroken" i knew exactly how he felt. that brought me back to 8th grade. that was not a good year. i cant even begin to explain that year in my life. i thought this year was better but not my best. i think 7th was? i really dont know. i just want summer to being already. even though thats tomorrow... well i hope everything works out for the best and we can be friends. hey, never know what happens in the future. you just have to sit back, and wait. i should get back to studying even though i shall be failing tomorrow anyways...kpeace.

"I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.,'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.,I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.,Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard,That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa...."

-Paramore<3!

Happy Fathers Day..

today is fathers day and it pretty much sucked. i didn't wake up till 10:30 am and my dad was practically walking out the door. i said happy fathers day and i gave him the card i made and he was off to work. after that we went to tee-tees house and saw her. during all of this my sister and my mom were both being bitches all day. shes going to florida for a month. im gonna miss her a lot but i guess its good shes getting away from everyone. anyways, then we went to the cemetery. it was sad because when she started crying it made me want to cry. she was saying how much she missed him and how she never cries. it was really upsetting to see her cry. i love her so much and i hate seeing her sad. then we came home and here i am sitting on the computer writing this. well i guess i should talk about my dad since its fathers day. he's a drummer and he works at a music store. i don't think he likes his job but he says its better then not having a job at all. he has a point there. well i think hes an amazing musician. hes been doing it all of his life and i look up to him in that sense. he plays all the time. doesn't skip a day. i love him. yes we fight alot over school and other stupid crap. like leaving the lights on, or leaving the windows open with the air on. stupid crap that all parents complain about. but hes cool. well i should go study for my spanish final tomorrow. byee!

"It seems so wrong to even try,But taking a chance it never felt so right, Go Figure"

- im not even going to go there...

Take My Hand And We Will Run Away..

THE CABS NEW EP CAME OUT ON PURE FUCKING VOLUME TODAY. SO GOOD! anyways...when lauren came over we rented a movie called Nick and Norah's infinite playlist. it is one of m favorite movies. one of many. well it is so cute if you haven't seen it you must. after that, we decided we wanted to go to starbucks. we went with dan, hallie, lauren, matt, and jake. it was fun. 3 of my favorite people. well 3 out of 5. i liked watching the rain fall down from the window. i find rain peaceful. im not sure how but i do. it might seem like im sad when im not at all...like tonight. one of the best days ive had in a while and people think im sad?! NO haha 

i wonder what im doing tomorrow. im supposted to go to the movies with lauren adam and maybe joe but iideek. tomorrows fathers day and i dont think i can.oh and im sorry to hear what happend with you and him. i know its going to be hard but i think you can get through it. i believe that your a strong person on the inside and you dont need to hurt yourself to get though it. i will be here for you whenever you need me. whatever time at night, whatever day of the week, no matter where i am, ill still be here. that goes for all of my friends. no matter what happens between us. ill be here. whenever, wherever. SHIT... i still have to make a fathers day card...well i should get on that haha bye bbys<3

iloveyou!

p.s thanks for always being there for me, it means a lot. 

"I want you to remember, you fight with the ones you love most..."

- Joan Abbate<3

i love washington dc. i was just thinking about when student council went on a field trip here. it was me and kristen and my old friend lynn. we went all over. we saw everything. it was so much fun. although i lost my dads $400 camera it still was fun. at night we sat on the Lincoln memorial steps and looked out at the washington monument. i plan on living in DC or New York City when im older. i want to travel around the world. i want to see everywhere. this has been on my mind for a while. what am i going to do when im older? where do i want to live? am i going to have the same friends? all these questions run through my mind but hey its better than thinking of sad shit :). i've also been thinking about the word honesty. i think i have been honest to about everyone lately, but i feel like thats a bad thing. sometimes when your too honest you can hurt someone very much.  well anyways today was a good day. i woke up and remembered i was at hallies house haha. we got up and watched CSI:Miami. its a good show not gonna lie. there's this cute guy that carly showed me, ryan wolfe. im pretty sure thats the characters name. then me and hallie rode our bikes to ride aid while lauren and carly stayed home and played life haha. we bought jolt that i will be needing for monday. lauren's coming here soon to chill. i think were gonna watch the notebook again. i dont think i can count on one hand how many times i've seen that movie. well i will most likely write later. kbye.

"Walking like a one man army,Fighting with the shadows in your head,Living out the same old moment,Knowing you'd be better off instead, If you could only ...Say what you need to say"

- John Mayer!

<3

today was the best day in a long time. i went into school at 12:00 for my math regents. it wasn't that hard. i think i did pretty good. i mean i know i said that for my other tests, but for once, i want to show my parents that i can do something when i want to. i think they have lost their faith in me but maybe if i pass they will believe in me again. i have been feeling really bad about myself lately. i always wish i was happier than i am. i wish i could change things that cannot be changed. im not saying this for attention, its how i feel. i guess im going to have to try and deal with it. well, today me and you got back together. that was probably one of the best things about my day. even though i still think you like the other girl, its cool. i shall get over that eventually. i feel like all you want to do is let people know taht were going out. like who cares if we change it on facebook tonight, theres always tomorrow. anyways, the other kid was nice too but he wasn't the type of guy i like. hes cute and nice but a little awkward and sort of annoying. i couldn't be myself around him. i felt like i had to watch what i said in front of him. i hope we can still be friends because i wouldn't want to loose a good friend like him. well anyways, then we went to mike's house and seans house. they live right around the corner from each other. that was alot of fun. i was with the greatest people haha. not including lauren. she was getting her haircut. now, im at hallies with lauren and hallie. were sleeping here and then in the am i have a dentist at 1 :( i was supposed to go to a party with all my friends for seans grandparents and i hope i still can. i might just go after. it starts at 1:30 but maybe i can go late?! i really hope i can. that would be so much fun. well i should get going. oh and by the way this has to be one of the cutest pictures ever. justsaying. kpeace
i love youu<33!

"You're a falling star, you're the get away car.You're the line in the sand when I go too far.You're the swimming pool, on an August day.And you're the perfect thing to say..."
-Michael Buble!

Adore.

i think this is so true. i guess this is where the saying "treat others the way you want to be treated" comes from. well im glad me and my friend made up. i understand why she was mad because i hear that from alot of people. if anyone has a problem with me i would want to know. if i do or am doing anything wrong i want to know about it so i can fix what im doing wrong and become a better  person. so whoever is reading this. if im doing or did something to hurt you or make you mad just tell me. i can handle the truth. well im glad you and me feel the same way. i dont know if anything is going to happen between us again. i guess i will wait and see but all i know is i might be sleeping tonight. YES! my day just got alot better just by hearing that you still care. i know you said you did but just knowing we both feel the same way is somehow comforting. i think im going to fail my math regents tomorrow. i honestly do. well at least tomorrows friday? im trying to stay postive about these stupid finals and regents, but failing terribly.. well anyways goodnight<3!

"I don't mean to run,But Everytime You come Around,I Feel more alive, than ever,And I guess it's too much,Maybe we're too young,And I don't even know whats real,But I Know I never..,Wanted anything so bad,I've never wanted anyone so bad"

-Paramore<33!

^ they explain my life story. 

Only In A Mad World Are The Mad Truly Sane

today was a good day..until now. i took my biology regents which i think i passed. then i went back to Lauren's and chilled. she came to my house at like 5 and she "helped me with math". then of course she got mad. i dont know what i do anymore. i feel like im always fucking doing something.  i know your upset about him still but thats not a reason to take it out on me. i probably sound like a hypocrite but this is important. why cant you tell me. am i that bad of a friend? you said you didn't want to loose me as a friend and then a month later you decide, that i did all of this shit wrong? i have enough things on my mind and now i have to fucking deal with this? thats just fantastic. i dont understand why people dont want to talk about it. how will you ever resolve things if people dont talk about things? also, to have a friend you must be a friend. i thought i needed to remember that quote but i think you do. well i should go study for math or i might have to go to summer school for that too. bye. 

"only in a mad world, are the mad truly sane.."

AWKWARD. so about me running into you everywhere? like really? and even if you want  to say hi or not dont be so...awkward about it. lolol. at least i saw you...im so not a creeper. well anyways, i went to my tutor and it went really well. i might just pass. im not too sure about my math regents though. i want to prove to my parents that i can do it. i dont remember the last time they said, that i could do well with or on something. im still nervous. tomorrow should be just as good if not better. as for friday also. i think that my friends ignoring me is a sign or something. maybe its telling me something that i should fix. who knows. maybe that wont be so bad. i guess that would give me time to think. but i dont know what i would do without my bbyscks.! well i should go study more. wish me luck for tomorrow..

p.s i miss you terribly.

"And I don't want the world to see me 

Cause I don't think that they'd understand 
When everything's made to be broken 
I just want you to know who I am"

"Yeah you bleed just to know your alive"

-Goo Goo Dolls

i really wish people would stop saying this. i mean i know there trying to make me feel better but i dont want to be lied to cause that hurts just as much as the truth sometimes does. Today was a good day. i took my global final today and it wasnt so bad. i don't think i got in the 90's though. oh well. after, we waited outside for laurens mom. you and her were talking and it was so awkward for me. whatever my friends helped me get over that. i guess ive learned my lesson for the future since i cant go back in the past. anyways, it was funny how awkward it was when i talked to you. i guess it was because all my friends were like staring you down. we're all convinced you were high lololol. then we went to king kullen to buy a shitload of food with laurens mom. "never said 5 hungry girls into a supermarket with $20" haha good times. but im starting to believe my friends really want to just leave me by myself for a while. not all of them, just some. maybe there really are getting sick of me. even my guy friends. well im sorry if i did anything to bother you. im just trying to find a reason why. well im glad i have at least ONE final over with. tomorrow is biology and not gonna lie, im pretty fucking nervous. i mean yeah ive studied ALOT for this stupid regents but i never feel fully prepared.well i should get going on cleaning my room. i have to be at my tutor in like 15 minutes. well wish me luck for tomorrow. ppeayyyceee. 

"I've fought it for a long time now, while drowning in a river of denial,I washed up, fixed up, picked up all"

-Nevershoutnever!

I've been into candles lately. i think they are very calming. they help me study and think. but at the same time they keep me peaceful. well today was good. lauren came over at like 3:00. we walked to target and sat in a swing for 20 minutes...then left haha love her. then we decided to walk to michaels and get henna tattoo kit. idek. it actually looks pretty cool. well then i went to my tutor for biology. im actually not even nervous anymore. im more scared for global tomorrow. i feel like the essay is gonna be fucking hard man. then me my mom and my sister went to friendlys for dindin. fun ik. whatever i should go study for that global final, shitt. well well laurens coming here to studyy :). and i think im already getting over you but that could all just be in my mind. goodnight bbycks.!!!

today was a gooddayy!.

"I've fought it for a long time now, while drowning in a river of denial,I washed up, fixed up, picked up al

-all time low

Success Is Everyones Dream..

im trying. i am. my parents might not see it but i am. lately i dont have any ambition to do anything. its not like i enjoy doing bad in my classes but they clearly think i would rather go out with friends than study. thats not true.  some subjects just dont click in my head. well im sorry i have let you down. i wish there was someway i could make up my 6th, 7th, 8th and freshmen years of my life but i cant. im sorry i hurt you many times but like you say to me its tough love. im sorry i dont tell you alot of things but thats just because im scared of what you will say. while im apologizing, let me say im sorry to everyone. im sorry if i was a asshole and sorry if i wasn't understanding. i know some people think my ways of thinking are stupid, but thats who i am. and if you dont like it im sorry. im not going to force you to like me. cause if you dont like the type of girl i am, i cant change that. i dont like changing who i am. i wish i could sometimes but i cant. believe me, ive tried. well i should get going on with the day because i have alot to do today. shower, laurens, out with mom, tutor, global final tomorrow. fun. bye..

"Never take anything or anyone for granted. You will never know if they just might be gone forever..."

-Evan Li!

This Heart,It Beats, Beats For Only You.

i wish i could say i hate you but i cant. i keep trying to pick out your flaws...i soon realize i cant find any. maybe one here, one there but those things were mostly my fault. i cant help but think about you. anyway,  today was good and bad. it was the last day of freshmen year. but i cant tell if i was excited or not. something was missing all day today. i found out what it was at 10:00 pm. and i did something about it. anyways, today we stayed after. i saw maddie and scott. today is his last day at CHS. i saw how upset she was and saw how scott was there to make her feel better and even laugh a little. that made me think of you. i started hysterical crying right on the late bus. pretty embarssing but i had my 3 best friends there to help me. i catch myself crying over you alot lately. me lauren and kristina went to laurens house and chilled. me and you had a good conversation ahah :) LOVE YOU! anywhosers haha,  we went to friendlys and then we drove kristina home. on our way, we listened to sinarta. he is god in my world, next to the beatles. me and lauren talked when we got back to her house about alot. im glad she opened up to me. she doesn't do that alot :). i am deciding if i should give you the letter i wrote. whateves. well i guess i should go study for shit...cause theres no way in hell i will be sleeping tonight. 

goodnight bbyscks. 

"If I had made myself become like someone else and be someone like you,Would you have let me come to be with you..."

-safteysuit<3!

i cant believe im saying this but i miss you.  every second of every day. i cant stop thinking about you. i dont mind if you dont feel the same way because i know you dont. i just want you to know i still care. i think i always will. i feel pathetic saying this because you probably have completely moved on but whatever. you most likely wont read this anyways. well lauren came over today and we washed our face 1,000 times for no reason. were weird people. she got my mind off it for a while but not for long. we picked out what were wearing tomorrow, since its our last day being freshmen. i dont want to begin a new year of high school yet. i feel like freshmen year isint over yet. there's something missing. well, im thinking about writing you something to end on good terms, but im still debating on whether or not i should. my good mood is still lasting through all of this madness. thats a good thing. well tomorrow im gonna look disgusting because lauren is making me wear this ugly checkered shirt. well, im going to go study for biology and math. goodbye freshmen year

p.s i enjoy talking to you :) somehow you know how to make me feel better<3.

"Some people hide from love,They run from it, cause they don't want it,When you got a love and it's good like it should be,Makes you never wanna give it up,Cause you know that some people fight for love,And I believe it's true cause I'd do the same for you..."

-elliot yamin!

i guess this is a true statement. i know i say this alot but everything really does happen for a reason. people aren't brought into your life for nothing. there there to help you to care for you to love you..something. whatever it is, there there for a reason. everyone should have someone there for them always. there should always be that one person that you can talk to and trust. i wish i could say i have that one person, but i don't know if i do. i mean i have 2 people in mind but i think there starting to get sick of my complaining. but for some reason im still in a good mood. i mean i think i am? im probably just kidding myself. i cant force myself to be happy can i? well i catch myself thinking about both of you alot. but like my quote says "a broken heart is like a broken mirror. it is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it." i think thats what ive been doing wrong. trying to fix things and make things work, but im just making myself more upset by doing that. if you want to fix things you can try but i think im done trying. im going to sit back and enjoy life as it passes me by and see what happens in time. well, my friends say you think of me more than just a friend, but i dont think so. i feel like you only talk to me when your bored. whatever. i have my tutor at 1:30-2:30 and then laurens coming over at 3 to study biology. fun shit. okay bye. 

"There's something in your eyes,Is everything al right?,You look up to the sky,You long for something more, Darlin',Give me your right hand..."

- Justin Nozuka!

i really don't like family parties but i have to say, i have one hysterical family. my favorite is when were all sitting around and their playing beer pong. just watching them is hysterical. my favorite is when my aunt denise and my sister are on one team and my cousins anthony and johnny are on the other team. they do the funniest things to distract them. i don't think i should go into detail about that hah. even though i feel like they ignore me sometimes, i still love them. i wish we could all be as close as we used to and we could all be happy like old times. but things have changed and probably will never go back to the way they were. well anyways, yesterday was such a good day. i hung out with ralph, lauren, and joe and we walked around hoyt farm and valmont. it was pretty fun. well im going to write another one in like 20 minutes about today and yeauh. kbye

"Well I'd like to see our worlds reveresed,to watch you hang on every word,I'd like to see you have your way."

-tbs<3!

i want to believe in the saying in this picture but i'm not sure how i can. well i'm willing to give it a try. i don't know how long this is going to last, but lets hope it lasts for a little while. ill give it a week or 2. anyways, today started off good. i really just sat around on the computer and lauren came here. were supposted to have people at lauren's around 5:30 but who even knows. i hope we can though. i find myself always needing to be with me to keep my mind off things. i know you shouldn't rely on people to keep you happy but at this point in time i have to. im sure i will get over you eventually. i think i already am starting to but who knows. time will tell. i have to think positive . i wish my friends would tell me things though. like i think they dont trust me or whatever. but what is there reason too? what did i ever do that you cant trust me. i wish i could let all of my friends know that when your mad at me, tell me. when i hurt you, let me know. when your sad, let me know and maybe i can help. we should all be there for eachother through the good and bad, thick and thin. if you have a problem with someone, just tell them. im pretty sure they would like to know, i know i would. well i should go start getting ready for later. i know i will be writing later. bye. 

"If you don't love me, pretend,A few more hours, then it's time to go.,And as my train rolls down the East coast,,I wonder how you keep warm.It's too late to cry, too broken to move on..."

-Ron Pope!

Somebody Rip My Heart Out And Leave Me Here To Bleed.

i think this is the best thing ever. this quote is the cutest thing. its basically saying they got over there differences when they started to fight and just enjoyed being there with the person. i think thats really sweet. you should enjoy the person while there there in your presence. well anyways today in school absolutely sucked. i went in late because of that fucking thunder last night and i woke up at like 7:30.COOL. then we had an hour of 2,3 and 4th period. i thought i was in there forever. we had a fire drill during chorus. so me and ralph were standing outside in the rain for 30 minutes of course my fucking hair curled and frizzed to no end but whateves. its over now. well after school we went to doms with dan lauren matt dom sean and ralph c.  it was fun. ralph and lauren really know how to make me feel better haha (: we sat in the middle of the street for like 20 minutes and when cars came we would run out of the way. it was so much fun, surprisingly haha. well it was a little awkward but you and me got over it. i cant tell if my feelings have gone away or there still somewhere in my heart. i wish i knew. oh i wish i new. things would be so much easier. why all of a sudden, ive never criend this much before. especially over a boy. one boy. i never thought that was possible. i guess it is. maybe tomorrow will be better and i will forget about you. i dont think i can ever forget about you. tomorrow me lauren kristina and joe and maybe matt darrel are supposted to hang out. that should be really fun considering almost all of my favorite people in one day (: i think i could start being happy now. i should enjoy life while i have the opportunity to live it. keep staying positive. its helping you. well i should get some sleep so i can think things over. being confused really sucks. well goodnightt till tomorrow<3 

p.s i hope you took my advice. it would help all the people around you if you stopped too. 

"And I thought it would be funny to leave you hanging in suspense,Then I'd run over to your house and I'd scale the chainlink fence,That borders your back yard and then I'd climb through your window,And I'd whisper that I love you as you fall out of your clothes,And we'd lay there in the darkness like this dream of you I had...."

-Mayday Parade<3!

i cant do this. every time i put my ipod on shuffle another song comes on that reminds me of you. i don't know why i feel like this. i thought i made the right decision. i guess i was wrong. i thought i have moved on, i thought i met someone else. i guess i was wrong. i guess i've made another stupid mistake. maybe this will go away this weekend. hopefully it will because i know you most likely don't feel the same way. well i have to make up my mind sooner or later but for right now im glad i have my music to decide. but i hope neither of you read this...TOMORROWS FRIDAY! anyways,  i have a lot of mixed emotions today so if i write another blog later...dont kill me haha. peace. 

"look after my heart, ive left it with you..."

twilight<33333

this is one of the best quotes from one of the best movies of all time.i really dont know how you feel. one second you made up your mind and then the next second your confused again. im not saying that its bad, but your starting to confuse mee. but if you dont want to be friends i want to know because i dont want to try and be your friend when you dont even want to. well anyways, today pretty much sucked. i felt like sleeping in every class. i felt like the day was never going to end. and not seeing you helped oh so much. i feel like i never see you anymore. but whatever this weekend should be fun (:  well tomorrow is not going to be any better 2,3 &4 are an an hour long periods and the rest of the periods are 30 minutes long. i still cant believe we have like 3 more days of school left. i cant wait for summer anymore. i hate school. its so stressful and boring and annoying. and the people that go to my school do not make it any better. well i dont like how i feel like im loosing everyone around me. i feel like nobody wants to deal with my complaining anymore and it hurts when you feel like this and then everyone is keeping things from you or just not telling you anything. like i dont know what happened all of a sudden. i feel like everyone out of our group of friends has that one or two people they can go to but nobody can go to me because i will judge them or not listen or talk about my own problems. but thats not true. im here to talk to anyone. and if its anything bad about how your feeling. i will most likely understand cause ive probably been through the same thing. maybe its just me.  but my favorite part of today was coming home and nobody being here. i guess i like when im home alone. nobodys around to make me feel worse and scream at me. well i should go study for bio and math...and global so i dont fail...most likely will anyways. byee! 

p.s

stop hurting yourself...its not worth it...trustme<3>

"as my memory rests, but never forgets what I lost, wake me up when September ends..."

-Green Day!

haha these fucking guys. love them. they have been getting me through this week. well today after ccc i had gym. not bad pretty boring. biology sucked. im not sure why but nothing i learn in that class sticks in my brain. well after school. i found out fun stuff. dan likes my friend katrina. i dont care cause i like someone else (: but  alrighty haha. im upset that every guy i go out with we cant just be good friends without someone being mean, or hiding something. anyways, i cant wait for this weekend. im not sure why. i guess because monday is the last day of school. i wish i thought i would pass my regents but thats never gonna happen. so it really wont be a good summer since i will most likely be attending summer school. whatever. ill have to start getting used to that. well i saw you today with my family...pretty funny. hhaah your too cute<3. class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">SCHOOL! k night. 

"If it's you && me right now,That'd be alright,Be alright, We're chasing stars to lose our shadow 

Peter Pan and Wendy turned out fine,So won't you fly with me...."

-jonas

Tell Me Something Sweet To Get Me By

well right now im in ccc and i have to get back to my work but i will write on here for a little and most likely post one later. today in lunch was like....AH! haha the rest of the day was not good except lunch and after. i went up for lunch and he saw us. haha he actually talked to me for like the 1st time ever! i just feel complete when your by my side. haha it was pretty funny how happy i was. then kristina skipped gym and sat with me and kristen. i must say it was the best lunch period i have had all year. oh, and i saw you today but you didnt see me hha :) its alrightty. and i cant believe that she actually wants to be friends. i could have sworn she hated me. im glad she does because i would be happy to be her friend again. i think about her everyday. i dont think i would give up some of my friends for her. well i should get going because the period is almost over and i have to finish a project on rachel's challenge. i mean its not the worst project its actually pretty fun. learning about her and how she has changed so many people is so shocking, actually. alright i will post another when i get home to talk about bio and ....annoying people.
byeeee!

"Slow down.. this night's a perfect shade of,Dark blue ,Have you ever been alone in a crowded room, when I'm here with you,I said the world could be burning down..."
- Jacks Mannequin<3!